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SEPTEMBER -- PUNCTURE THIS
by Larry Urish
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 BCI member Larry Urish, a part time copy editor and a full time whack job, is a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program. He resides somewhere in the Western Hemisphere. |
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| It’s the sound all cyclists hate to hear: ‘PSSSSSSSSSSSSSS’
This is the mating call of the dreaded Puncturus Painintheassus, more commonly known as the “flat tire.” Ride your spoked steed long enough, and you’re sure to eventually roll over such items as straight-edge razors, prison shanks, and Ginzu knives -- the latter hawked by cheesy toupee-wearing sleazoids during the 4-4:30 a.m. time slot on channel 157, immediately followed by the very titillating “Girls Gone Wild” 30-minute spot. But I digress. The most common cause of flat tire is shattered glass – specifically, broken bottles and kicked-in Tiffany lamps, very likely in that order.
Let’s hear the Puncturus mating call again, shall we? ‘PSSSSSSSSSSSSSS’
The soul shudders…
Suppose you’ve just rolled over a newly sharpened bear trap and have a flat tire. Rather than get royally PSSSSSSSSSSS’D off, what’s a skinny-tire nutcase to do? One person who has changed more than a few flats, Bill Sellin (BCI member #2), took first place in the tire-changing competition during the 3-day Great Western Bicycle Rally, Paso Robles’ Memorial Day Weekend orgy of bicycles, cyclists, and, dare we say, hardcore cycling groupies. In fact, Fast-Hand Billy managed to go through the entire process – more on that below – in just over 90 seconds. Add that to your resume.
(Side note: Some helmet-wearing mental pygmies, this alleged “reporter” included, couldn’t find his quick-release levers in 90 seconds. Important tip: Try popping open your quick release before attempting to remove your wheel. It’s a lot less frustrating and, frankly, quite a rush.)
I recently called Bill -- after 9 p.m., when the Verizon minutes are free -- and we chatted about, among other things, his recent victory, performance-enhancing drugs in the pressure-filled tire-changing circuit, and underwear. That’s right. Underwear.
MUSINGS OF A PSYCHOLIST: What exactly did you and the others have to do in the tire-changing competition?
BILL SELLIN, TIRE-MEISTER: We had to remove the tire from the wheel, take out the tube, put the tube and wheel back onto the tire, and pump it up to 110 psi. The wheel was already off the bike. It took me 93 seconds.
PSYCHO: 93 seconds is fast.
SELLIN: Yeah. People were saying I was a ringer.
PSYCHO: How many people were in the competition?
SELLIN: I’m not sure. I know that I smoked about six before it was my turn, but I don’t know how many came after me … By the way, during this past BCI Summer Solstice, Bill Clark beat me in the same kind of tire-changing test.
PSYCHO: Now, ’fess up. He slipped you some Ben Franklins to get the win, right?
SELLIN: No. The thing is, he’s a professional bike mechanic.
PSYCHO: So, since he’s a pro, he must’ve been on EPO, right?
SELLIN: Right.
PSYCHO: You didn’t see any used syringes in the immediate vicinity?
SELLIN: No. At least none that were visible.
PSYCHO: Any sign of blood doping?
SELLIN: (Pause) Uh, you might want to consult with a libel lawyer before you print any of this.
PSYCHO: No way. I live on the edge, baby.
SELLIN: (Pause)
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PSYCHO: Okay, we’ve beaten that one to death; moving on. Does the BCI Saturday newbie clinic include instruction on how to change flats?
SELLIN: No, we cover a lot of stuff, including, most importantly, how to ride safely. But we deal with changing flats only when someone actually punctures on a ride.
PSYCHO: So, to provide instruction, are you tempted to toss broken glass in front of some poor sap?
SELLIN: No, thumbtacks are a lot more effective. You can just shove ’em in and rip ’em out a lot easier.
PSYCHO: You’re a true humanist.
SELLIN: Thanks for noticing.
PSYCHO: Got any tips to prevent flats?
SELLIN: Get a good pump and make sure the pressure is up. Soft tires lead to more flats. And pump up your tires before every ride.
PSYCHO: How many times have you keyed cars that have come a bit too close to you while on a bike?
SELLIN: None.
PSYCHO: Liar, liar, pants on fire. Admit it: You’ve laid down some serious key, haven’t you.
SELLIN: No way. You don’t want to provoke any rage response from motorists.
PSYCHO: Word association. I’ll give you a word or phrase, and you hit me with the first thing that pops into your head.
SELLIN: Okay.
PSYCHO: Schrader
SELLIN: Presta
PSYCHO: Presta
SELLIN: French
PSYCHO: Radioactive lobster
SELLIN: Abalone
PSYCHO: Do you prefer a pump or a CO-2 cartridge?
SELLIN: Definitely a pump.
PSYCHO: Lightweight tires or puncture-resistant?
SELLIN: Lightweight
PSYCHO: Briefs or boxers?
SELLIN: Briefs.
PSYCHO: Briefs?
SELLIN: That’s right.
PSYCHO: Why?
SELLIN: I’m not saying.
PSYCHO: Fair enough. If a 700 X 18/23cc bicycle tube could talk, what do you think it’d say to you?
SELLIN: It would say, “I’m glad you quit riding those size 19 tires.” With my size, a 700 suffers a lot less.
PSYCHO: Uh, Bill, tires can’t talk.
SELLIN: (pause)
PSYCHO: Bill?
SELLIN: I’m still here.
PSYCHO: Okay. A bike leaving the Irvine Train Station at 8:07 a.m. heads west on Edinger Avenue at 17.4 mph, and a bike leaving Mile Square Park at 8:33 a.m. heads south on the Santa Ana River Trail at 12.2 mph. Both bikes are heading toward a recently pulverized Tiffany lamp, located on the River Trail at PCH. Which of the two bikes is ridden by a midget Tibetan monk made up like a circus clown – the dark, scary kind, not the funny kind? Show your work.
SELLIN: You’ve crashed more than once without wearing a helmet, haven’t you.
PSYCHO: That’s very personal. Anyway, Bill, thank you for your time.
SELLIN: My pleasure.
Are you new to cycling? Then don’t miss BCI’s highly recommended newbie class and ride. You may not learn how to change a tire in 93 seconds, but you’ll learn about cycling safety and maintenance from the man who can. It’s on the first Saturday of every month. Orientation begins at 8 a.m., and the ride (roughly 14 miles on flat terrain) begins at 9 a.m. It’s also a great way to meet fellow newbies. Just watch out for Sellin’s thumbtacks. |
| Do you have any ideas for a Musings of a Psycholist column? Feel free to hit me with ’em at Laffnatlife58@yahoo.com. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you on the road. |
More Musings
On Your Left -- July/August 2007
Puncture This -- September/October 2007
Lose the Blowtorch -- December 2007/January 2008
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