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DECEMBER/JANUARY -- LOSE THE BLOWTORCH
by Larry Urish
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 BCI member Larry Urish, a part time copy editor and a full time whack job, is a member of the Federal Witness Protection Program. He resides somewhere in the Western Hemisphere. |
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Fellow chainheads,
It’s been a long time since you’ve read a Psycholist column, and I apologize from the bottom of my pancreas for the long delay. Acquiring a writing implement and paper is a tall order while in lockup, and coming up with scintillating column ideas is a bit challenging when you’re constantly being traded for cigarettes.
According to a reliable source -- my brother-in-law’s plumber, who, by the way, collects used pizza boxes and was busted three times for stalking Jerry Springer -- the average American gains roughly eight pounds every holiday season. (Truth be told, I read that somewhere, probably soon after the third head injury.)
To those of you who spend big bucks on the lightest carbon fiber frame and the sexiest high-end components to save a grand total of five pounds, consider first dropping the 40 pounds that you’re carrying on your gut or buttocks, depends on your gender. Since post-holiday weight loss is a top priority for many of us, now is a good time to get a jump on the calorie counting and fat burning.
On that note, this ‘Musings of a Psyholist’ column focuses on bike-related mechanical do’s and dont's.
“But Psycho-dude,” you whine. “What, pray tell, does bicycle repair have to do with post-holiday weight loss?”
Nothing. Get over it, Tubby. Now, on with the bike-servicing tips:
- A sledgehammer is not the tool of choice for truing your wheels.
- To lighten your bike’s weight, try installing a homemade paper mache seat post, which is an especially good idea if you’ve insured, say, your skull for $2 million at Lloyd’s of London.
- If you’re replacing an axle and you’re completely out of grease, beach sand isn’t really the best substitute.
- To clean your chain, first soak it in a 50/50 mix of Classic Coke and Red Bull. (Avoid Diet Pepsi, unless you want a rusty chain). Scrub thoroughly with a toothbrush. Floss. Toss the chain in the wash; do NOT mix with whites. Dry on low head. Apply Head and Shoulders. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
- If you’ve just chowdered hard into a blind March of Dimes bell-ringer (hey -- anything’s possible), and your front wheel resembles a 27-inch taco, don’t bother fixing the flat.
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- Random unrelated thought, for the hell of it: Wouldn’t it be really cool if, on the next club ride, everyone swapped out their helmets for welder’s masks? It’d make for great publicity. And think of all the wacky carnage.
- Throughout the 20-minute test ride following a complete overhaul, you’ve felt no resistance whatsoever when turning the pedals. Carefully inspect your bike. Then walk your bike home and add the chain.
When assembling your bike in the hotel lobby to begin your dream European tour, and the cables don’t reach, pull the handlebars out of your seat tube. (For what it's worth, circumnavigating Liechtenstein takes about, oh, 45 minutes.)
- Let’s say you can’t jam a wheel onto your forks, and repeatedly pounding on the wheel with your neighbor’s cement lawn gnome isn’t getting the job done. Could the freewheel hitting the forks be hampering your progress? Maybe it’s a good time to try the other wheel. Better yet, ditch the gnome and ask for help.
- When going on a ride, take along tube patches, an extra tube, a simple multi-tool, and a clean rag. The blowtorch? Leave that baby in the garage.
- And remember to bring along tire irons to fix any flats. In case you’re confused, I’m referring to bicycle tire irons. The three-pounder you just yanked from your Pacer? Fling that back into the trunk, Einstein.
Air pressure: More is better. However, if your tires explode to the point of bending your rims and blowing out your eardrums, there’s a fairly good chance you’re over-inflating those puppies.
- Whenever you try to stop, are you throwing more sparks than an insurance-fraud-inspired blaze in fireworks factory? Two words of advice: Brake pads.
- Things to grease: hubs, head set, brake pivot bolts, and your girlfriend, provided she’s willing to talk dirty and force you to bark like a dog. Things NOT to grease, unless you have this weird thing for ambulance rides: seat, handlebars, pedal surfaces, tires, and rims.
- If, like many people, you have the mechanical intelligence of spinach, get your bike serviced by a pro. Carve your credit card number and signature onto the stem. That way, Enzo the Italian hothead will service it in a timely manner.
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| A BIG high-five is in order to BCI member Doug Peterson for his valuable input. Doug, you’ll forget more about bicycle maintenance in a day than I’ll learn in two lifetimes. Mahalo.
The Prozac-addled brain behind Musings of a Psycholist is desperate for column ideas. Regular readers of this column -- that’s right, both of you -- are encouraged to e-mail Laffnatlife58@yahoo.com to suggest cycling-related topics.
If I use your idea, you may win a new Toyota Prius. Also, chickens have lips. |
More Musings
On Your Left -- July/August 2007
Puncture This -- September/October 2007
Lose the Blowtorch -- December 2007/January 2008
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